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New entries will be formatted like this.
28 May, 22:58
The eternal cosmos hungers for my soul; I am the universe and the universe is me. I allow myself to exist on a molecular level due to bordem and laze; I miss you now and forever. Each passing moment is that of dread of which fills me to the brim with haze. I am fog. I am dismay. I am the star that rapidly expands in the distance. Bask in my glory and fill yourself with an animalistic fury from my sufferage. I love you. {iavn}
21 March, 16:05
Recently I've been reworking a Serial Experiments Lain Ukagaka, this is essentially a little character (lain) that sits on your desktop. It used to function much like Bonzi Buddy, however nobody really uses it for those functions anymore. Some processes I am thinking about including in it are; Random Esoteric Bullshit, Fun Fact button (lain is very interested in computer engineering, pscyhology, and milk, so I thought to include these interests of hers into the ukagaka; much like the Mayura ukagaka says stuff about retro games and old imageboard memes), A diary the user can read (just a mirror of "Lain's Diary" from the PSX game), a few links to things I feel newer lain fans should read to immerse themselves in the ideas given throughout the show and game, such as historical internet documents, a website dedicated to analyzing just the show through every practical lense you could think of, and the game. I'm not much of a lain fan anymore, but I find the doujin community fun to entertain, I am learning japanese specifically so I can ask the Japanese community how they view about the themes in the show, because that's primarily what the creators wanted, and talking to people online seems to create a theme of differing views based off where you live geographically and what type of content you view on the internet. Part of this project is fueled by my love for studying social structures on the web; people who tend to stay on clearnet view the show with a very broad thought process, they just think it's a good show. Those who delve into smaller communities and those kind of off the beaten path tend to think about it and analyze it moreso, it's really interesting to read peoples' thoughts on it! I love finding websites that write their thoughts in response to what content they are absorbing. It inspires me to injest more media, because for a long time I have found watching television and playing video games to be a waste of time. I'm still feeling this way, but I've started reading books more because they provide a bit more insight to things. I've been reading Borges, that's about it so far. I also started a book about calisthenics.
2022
07 Nov, 09:30
I've been thinking about sewing projects to go through recently. The list of things to draft are a military styled coat, a lace choker outfit, a basic dress, and maybe something lolita inspired (based off a pattern from one of those lolita magazines hehe). I've been thinking about drafting some straight legged pants, and I got some sewing resources from incessantpain. As long as I keep having the motivation by the time I have a sewing machine I will be golden. Sewing as an idea seems very appealing; I want to make things. I want to make USEFUL things. I want to wear my art and express myself through clothing and I've thought of this idea since I was a kid. It just never felt attainable. I'd ask my mother for a sewing machine and she would say "I have one but it's broken." Sewing machines are a bit cheap; I don't know why we couldn't get it fixed or just buy a new one. Plus eventually you could get what you paid out of clothing. I'm probably going to start by making clothing for random toys. I should be getting a doll soon after the sewing machine, so when I do I'll practice making clothes for her.
20 Oct, 11:03
I want to make a game.
11 Oct, 11:13
I revamped the website finally. I want to make a webring, a portfolio page, a website for my art commissions, and then finish the linux and second life pages. I don't play a lot of second life anymore, but I want to make a cheatsheet for myself for stores I like and tips for new players. There isn't really good tutorials for making content for second life but I also don't know how to make clothing that well either.
21 Sep, 09:06
Last night I fucked around with linux setup again. I opted for lutris setup finally, fixed the font issue with AIR, setup a touhoumon game, etc etc. I feel unreasonably proud of myself everytime I fix something on my machine; Soon I will rebind my new tablet's keybinds so that they actually make sense with azpainter. As of right now I have also been working on a new layout idea for the website; something that matches the blog theme a bit more. I don't know if I will adapt the new theme into the website because the new theme does not feel as special to me as the current one. I will keep using this theme for other things, like an archive of sorts. The colors I picked out when I was in an early "webcore" phase (something zoomers made up to fetishize the way the old internet looks). I had green hair, I was obsessed with mothman and internet discourse over fictional shipping. It is embarrassing looking back on it. If I could go back I would focus more on attempting makeup and less time on telling people on the internet to die because they want to be weird online. Anyways; I like pink now. I like old web stuff still, but the idea is more about the content and less about how it looks. I never liked that I used my website for nothing beforehand, with the new idea I have more content and less style. I like this idea. I would like feedback via email (ophanim at cock.li) or guestbook. If you like my current theme and don't want me to change please give me a 2 paragraph essay (kidding). If you are more interested in what I am interested in (researching radios, touhou, second life, lain, chobits, old computers, japanese, etc) please tell me so I can focus on formatting my webpage for content rather than aesthetics... Thanks for reading.
14 Sep, 10:01
A project I'm cooking up right now is only theoretical. I have not gotten the time to start on the venue for the art show; but it's making progress regardless. I want to make a painting that encases how I feel about my life currently. I have been reflecting on the last year due to how nice feeling growth is. Over the summer I normally feel very static, there is no change there is nothing to do there is nothing. I am nothing. (this is just what I normally think over the summer). This is why I love going to class again. I love feeling like I am advancing in the things I want to do even if I don't want to do the work to go through them. I am happy this is a service that the world provides. I don't think it should cost as much as it does but I understand that it does cost a lot to provide a "home" for dozens of growing adults. The idea I have is similar to a sketch I did a bit ago; a girl getting consoled by dozens of other girls. It's not that much, but it means a lot to me still. I love drawing things that look angelic; ethereal. I don't know if it really suits me, but I love it. I think I should focus on using more dull colors for this painting since my physical paintings are normally very vibrant. I would like to experiment with low contrast in my paintings too, I've been focusing on building contrast so often that doing things without contrast makes me freak...
07 Sep, 23:46
Over the last few days I've been attempting to program more. I coded an art porfolio, a fake website, and now this. I have also been trying to get back into drawing more often again. During the summer I completely took a hiatus from most things, we were in the process of moving and all of my stuff has been packed away in a storage unit. I am stranded to a laptop currently, which is possibly why I have been so productive. Generally I will try to update this page when I think to. [iavn]
I am currently trying to remember the idea I had for an art piece for my art show. I had an idea a month ago, but now I am completely blank; this is possibly due to my busy schedule. I'm not too worried about it. I will return with more info when possible.
05 May, 21:19
I have been doing worse in school this semester than the last, but I'm not sad, this whole school year was more fruitful than every year o class before this. I kind of wish that instead of shipping children to a shitty school, they made it so that they have to upkeep more strict standards than what are currently happening. I remember my school lunch ladies only wearing the proper equipment when they had an inspection. I remember my middle school math teacher telling us more about his lawn mower than exponents. I also remember when the science teacher in highschool spouted her covid conspiracy bullshit instead of properly teaching us. I think that these situations shouldn't happen; and that the school system shouldn't take advantage of a youth who can barely manage to give a shit on their own. Teaching of a two way system, for sure, but how are the students going to be good learners if they can't be assed to pay attention? We need to take notes on the Swedish or something, I shouldn't have trauma from highschool.
22 March, 15:05
In school recently I've been learning about Japanese history (1990s). I'm doing an essay about the events that happened during that period, and how they might have affected futuristic media. A lot of early cyberpunk media was very bleak, dystopian, or otherwise pessimistic for the future. After talking about the events that have transpired from the time period with a friend of mine, I am far more interested in it than I may have once been. After a discussion about GANTZ, I learned that Hiroya Oku created it during the worst time period of his life. He had basically lost everything in his life, and was now trying to cope within storytelling. It's a very powerful story; it made me want to look into more cyberpunk media and see what the authors had going on in their lives during the creation process. A friend of mine believes that the Knights in SEL are inspired by the doomsday cult that caused a biological attack on the Tokyo Subway, however I had not seen this mentioned anywhere when looking through wikis. It is still a very powerful thought to me, because the resemblences are a bit uncanny... However, I am outside looking in. I can create whatever ideas I want, and they may or may not be close to the truth. If, by chance, the author has some information he has never said to the public, and I managed to think of it by choice, then sure, that's just fine.
Japanese
I failed my lsat Japanese test, but I was able to make small discussion with some friends of mine for once, which felt really nice. It helps a bit that one of them knew a bit of English, I'm always so shy talking to people in Japanese, because my pronounciation is horrible & so is my grammar. I often times forget which particle to use, or what certain words are. I wish I could remember information better.
2022
07 Nov, 09:35
My roommate moved out of my dorm. I don't feel particularly bad about it, but I will miss her. I don't think she had issues with me. I unlofted my bed and set up my desktop computer. I will be able to do a lot more dev work on VR / Art experiences. I'm very excited for the times to come. A friend of mine did a tarot reading for me today and it was very positive... I feel silly for hoping that it'll be true. I love the idea that I'm doing the right things and trying my hardest; and I'm hoping that if I try very hard in school and in my own life I will be able to get past all these years of stagnation and hurt. I went to college because I hate the idea of being at a standstill in life. I think if I could go to college forever I would be happy. I adore learning. I adore being forced to learn new things. I adore meeting people and learning more about them. Doing this over the internet is a bit hard; I can come and go as I please but there is no stability; plus there are people who are just not that interesting on the internet (in far more quantities and more in my face). People who I don't care to learn more about in person will just not talk to me. People who I don't care to learn about online will hide their boring qualities behind a flashy website/profile image/etc. It's much harder to weed out a waste of time over the internet than in person. WRITE MORE BLOGS!!!
20 Oct, 11:18
I keep failing assignments in my CS class/sleeping too late so i get really tired during the day. Generally bad stuff. Please wish me luck in these trying times.
11 Oct, 11:05
To no one's suprise at all I had to drop my math class. I'm very upset about it but I was not really prepared for the way that she teaches. I have been in kind of baby math classes for a while because of the highschool I went to having primarily learning handicapped students (or lazy) So we hadn't even gone through the entirety of fucking Algerbra. I also could not keep up with the latest math teacher I had my last two years of highschool. I think it'll be okay, it'll give me more time to focus on my other classes. I don't understand why my CS class is trying to overcomplicate things. The instructor asked us to count things using for loops; but there's literally a counter code... I guess it's good to learn the loop commands but I'm retarded as fuck. x + 1 my ass hole. :fire emoji:.
Japanese
I have been studying Japanese the most recently. I very much enjoy that class so I've been putting way too much focus on it I think. I believe I passed my test, I feel really good about it at least.
Art
We made linocut prints in art; I will be posting my print in a portfolio page I am creating. This can be accessed from the "content" tab (when i upload it; I'll hyperlink it here in the future). If you would like to buy a linoprint, you can email me. I will be selling them for $15 to $20 USD, I'm not sure yet, the misprints will be sold for $10 USD.
28 Sep, 10:18
Recently it's been a bit boring. I might just be time traveling through modern schooling. It's already been like 6 weeks since I started school, but it feels like 2 weeks. I had skipped two of my classes today due to a massive migraine. It still hurts a bit... I think the weather is messing with my head. It's alright. I am doing fine in the computer science class and I will be upping my game in the math class.
Japanese
Today we went over question phrases again. This time I'm making a point to write it down so I can remember it easier. Nanji is for numbers, for example. I think it will be fine for me to remember, but I know I'll get mixed up. I always do. So during quizzes and stuff I end up writing the wrong hirigana... I think of "ke" as I do "na" they look similar as fuck. This is normal beginner issues I believe. Though... I can see "nu" differently than "me" so I guess there's something right.
12 Sep, 09:43
Computer Science
Today; my professor is talking about the fundamentals of code. He has mentioned flowcharts and pseudocode in the last few minutes, and then asked me about my bike. (I am sitting in class as I write this). I'm not really paying attention because I think I know what I don't know. Anyways; during class I am reading random blogs I've found on neocities. I'm really into reading incessantpain's website. Today I read his entry on japanese schooling; it's very interesting. I love my Japanese class. I love learning about culture since I've never had an interesting way about doing things specifically since they are my life; my life is not that particularly interesting because I live it. Learning about how other countries do their stuff is interesting since I don't live it... I don't know. I just adore learning I adore knowledge.
10 Sep, 13:14
I started a job, so I haven't really thought about what I've learned in depth. It's an IT job, so I know most of the process, I just need training for what they want done to the machines specifically.
Japanese
I have discovered that I cannot talk to my professor and ask him for studying materials due to the fact he will take it the wrong way. It makes me sad, but I just wanted to make sure I was doing the most productive course of action... not get the same lecture 3 times over within the span of 10 minutes. I promise I am paying attention in class, I promise I love learning the material. I don't know why he took it the wrong way... It makes me very sad.
07 Sep, 23:52
I have been in College for approximately 3 weeks or so. My favorite professor is the Japanese Professor, due to his silly nature and terrifying appearance. My second favorite class is English. The way the instructor teaches the course is wonderful, and it has encouraged my love for writing again. More specifically journaling, which is possibly why I started this up again. I'm going to section this Category into notable things I've learned recently.
Japanese
Recently we have been learning about Hirigana due to the class being an Introductory class. Last week we started getting into Diacritical Marks. I only remember Gu; Due to Ku. I will need to research more hirigana studying methods. Tomorrow; if I have a free moment during work or lunch I am going to study some.
Computer Science
Today we continued learning about binary. I can't really understand the Instructor so I told myself to google this a bit later; so far I think I should just go over the lecture notes. This stuff is confusing!
To be honest I have a bad habit of zoning out in my lectures. In math it is review, but I also had a different way of doing the problems, so I NEED to pay attention. I am doing horrible in math right now. My art class is also primarily review, though there are some things that the teacher explains more than my highschool art class; as expected. The circular hatching I do sometimes has a name... Who would have thought!
28 May, 23:01
I have to believe I am worthy of love. I have to believe I am not beneath others. This will be my undoing if left untreated; i have entered a period of psychological torture that has yet to be at it's peak. It's unfortunate how much I crave affection from another; it is disheartening to see myself fall into this pit. The bottomless pit of attention deprevation, of asking "why, what." over and over again without answer. There is no answer other than selfish greed that fills me. I have not changed as much as I thought I may have. I have just distracted others and I with shiny "new"s and as soon as those shiny "new"s have dulled I am once myself again. I am the same person I have always been. This will be my undoing once more.
2022
20 Oct, 11:04
I keep forgetting to take my medication. I've been diagnosed with another thing that makes me farther from being able to exist in a society built around "normality". It's not much, but it's impacting me enough; ADHD. I don't want to have any more illnesses in my head. I already have autism + major depression, I already struggle with existing enough. Maybe I'm just overthinking it. I have always had this maybe; if the doctor isn't misdiagnosing me. If I've always had this and its just gone under the radar then Sure whatever but I'm very afraid of medication. I was terrified of my anti-depressants when I was first put on them so maybe I am just making this out to be a lot worse than it is. Maybe I'm just insane. As a result of the missed medicine I have been believing the idea that everyone cannot stand to be around me; but I have to remember that the worst is yet to come. I believe those I care about will tell me whats wrong. I believe they will tell me these things but will I have the heart to believe them? We playfully bully each other quite often, what if I assume they're joking when they're really telling the truth? I don't know. I don't understand how people on the internet can be proud to be mentally ill. I feel like I'm always walking around eggshells. I feel like an alien in my environment. People on twitter, tumblr, etc gloat about their depression and anxiety as if it is a trophy but this is a fucking curse. I don't even believe I have it that bad per se, but this is a fucking nightmare. It's even worse when they gloat psychotic disorders such as BPD or Schizophrenia. How do you feel pride in this? I feel pride in the fact that I haven't killed myself, so I mention it to people when the topic arises, but how do you just go on and on about how happy you are not being a neurotypical? Sorry for this rant; I'm just bothered.
12 Sep, 07:15
I am a fool. I have reminded myself of a lesson I already taught myself yesterday morning; this situation happens when I figure out a solution to my problems, but then I forget it. I have my old journals as a form of self-harm (reflected embarrassment) but they also serve as a lesson to me by existing. It's like googling a question to find a user error, but I just keep googling it instead of remembering how to fix it on my own. It is poor management. I have irritating habits and yet I fail to remember the solution to them; an extended form of self-harm. I decided to stop physically gouging my arms out so I suffer for it psychologically. This is normal (it's not). I told myself that I would not use this as my "break down journal" it's merely a self-analysis of my character and the criticism I can give myself. I'm not mad about the fact that I have developed the self-harm coping mechanism from an early age, but I do wish I could find something better suited to my needs (being a functioning adult). I will figure this out.
